


Hey, Brother

by Madwordscores



Series: Breaking Free [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comforting, F/M, Gay Sirius Black, Hey Brother, Lots of Angst, M/M, Marauders era, Regulus Black - Freeform, Regulus Black Feels, Regulus Black and Sirius Black relationship, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius black self doubt, The Marauders - Freeform, jily, wolfstar angst, wolfstar fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:48:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25731622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madwordscores/pseuds/Madwordscores
Summary: After Sirius runs away, he finds solace in his friends, and Remus the Love of his life, but still even when he is surrounded by the people he loves most, he can't stop thinking about Regulus, and can't stop the guilt of leaving him alone from crawling up his bones, he finds his courage faltering, Remus helps him through it.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Breaking Free [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866487
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

Sirius sat gazing at the stars from the window of his room at the Potter’s, his knees pulled up to his chest, his mind wandering to the darkest corners of his life as it often did when he was alone.  
“Pads?” A voice from the bed reminded him that he wasn’t alone “Why are you up, it’s 4 in the morning”  
“I can’t sleep,” Sirius said.  
“Is it alright if I join you?” Remus’s raspy voice responded.  
“I would love that,” Sirius replied, and as soon as the words left his mouth, Remus slid out of his bed and was by his side. After a moment’s hesitation, Remus sat across from him on the tiny bay window, his face shone in the moonlight, and at that moment, Sirius could think about nothing but kissing him, and so he did, he leaned forward and kissed Remus.  
He could feel Remus smile against his lips. “Is this why you couldn’t sleep?” He said as Sirius pulled away, but he turned and settled in Remus’s lap, his legs outstretched before him, his back against Remus’s chest, and his head resting on his shoulders.  
“Pads, what’s bothering you?” Remus said, taking both of Sirius’s hands in his own, and nuzzling his nose in Sirius’s neck.  
“We have to go back to Hogwarts tomorrow,” Sirius said with a sigh.  
“Yeah, and what about it?”  
“I will see Regulus for the first time since I ran away,” He said, not having the courage to look at Remus. “He must hate me now, I would too if I were the one stuck in that hellhole”  
“That’s cosmically impossible, Sirius, trust me”  
“What is?”  
“Hating you”  
Sirius chuckled, but he wasn’t’ sure if he believed Remus, because his words gave Sirius the peace he was looking for, were however futile to the tornado spurring in Sirius’s mind.  
“I am sure he will be angry, Sirius, but you can talk to him, tell him how hard it had become, I am sure he will understand”  
“I hope you are right, love”  
“You did not do anything wrong, you know that right?”  
Sirius didn’t say anything, because he wasn’t sure if running away was the right thing to do, but at that moment it was all he could think about, he hadn’t even waited for the pain to subside before he had left the house he had grown up in, the house that was a flimsy example of what a home is, he had escaped, freed himself, but the guilt of having left his little brother there alone, to face the wrath of his parents, held him tightly, clawed his throat and often made it hard to breathe. Sirius didn’t want to let his mind wander in that direction if he ever did, he was sure the guilt would drive him insane.  
“Pads, you did nothing wrong, you hear me, anyone would want to run away, you couldn’t possibly have taken Regulus with you, it is something he has to choose for himself”  
Tears stung at the back of his eyes, and there was nothing more that he wanted to do except to believe him.


	2. Eyes That Don't Meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius sees Regulus for the first time

On the first day of their sixth year, the marauders made their way to the Great Hall, with Remus’s hand draped loosely over Sirius’s shoulders, as Sirius and James made fun of the way Peter was swooning over a Hufflepuff.  
Remus somehow knew that this year would be different from the rest, it would be better. because both Sirius and Remus had confessed their love for each other, Remus had never been happier, every touch, every contact with Sirius still sent electricity shooting up his skin the feel of his skin against Sirius’s would never get old, and knowing that this beautiful yet silly boy was his, was only his, and that he loved him filled him with unparalleled happiness.  
“Mate, you’re staring at her, the objective is to get her to like you and not report you to authorities, Peter,” Sirius said to him as the four of them stood at the grand door of the Great Hall.  
“But, then how do you propose I make it obvious that I like her?”  
“For Merlin’s sake, Pete, are you even listening? You don’t make it obvious that you like her, you just want to seem mildly interested!”  
“Yeah, like James has been in Lily for the past six years, am I right mate?” Remus said, cocking his eyes at James, and James was barely amused.  
“More like how you both were absolutely head over heels for each other, but somehow still managed to remain oblivious to each other’s feeling for Merlin knows how long, I was getting so sick of the sexual tension between the two of you,”  
“Don’t listen to him, Moons, he is just jealous because Lily won’t even look at him”  
“But she is looking at him,” Peter said,  
The three boys followed Peter’s gaze, to see Lily already settled on the Gryffindor table, subtly looking at James as if she had just tasted something both confusing and pleasing.  
“Pads?”  
“Yeah, mate?”  
“Am I dreaming? Or Is Lily, Lily Evans really staring at me?”  
“The key is to keep breathing, Jamesie, or you’ll faint, I don’t think I’ll pick you up if you do”  
“Oh shut up, let’s go inside”  
And so they did, and as they made their way into the room, Remus was hit by a strong smell of food that he had not realized he had missed so much, he turned to look at Sirius, but Sirius’s face was drained of all emotions, and his hand was clutching Remus’s so tightly that it hurt, but Remus wasn’t sure if Sirius realized it, because his gaze was fixed at something in front of them.  
“Love, are you alright?” Remus asked, drawing slow lazy circles over Sirius’s hand, but Sirius barely registered his presence, Remus followed his gaze to find the source of his anxiety.  
Regulus Black, standing less than two feet away from him, his eyes glassy staring white-faced at his brother, both brothers seemed to have forgotten the world around them. Sirius let go of Remus’s hand and walked to Regulus, slowly as if Regulus was only a mirage that was going to fade the moment Sirius took his eyes off of him.

“Reg” Sirius stutters “Ar-How are you?”  
The other boy doesn’t reply or move for a couple of seconds, but then as Sirius moves towards him to touch his arm, it is as if a spell is broken, and his face shifts, he looks at Sirius with his eyes full so full of anger and hatred that Sirius feels as if he is going to collapse onto the ground, Regulus hates him, Regulus his little brother, hates the sight of him.  
“Reg, I am so-”  
But before he can say anything, Regulus walks right past Sirius, without looking at him, and Sirius feels his heart fall into his stomach, and the Great Hall is only a cacophony hailing at the life he has chosen for himself.

Remus doesn’t know how to help Sirius, his heart breaks at the way the boy who was smiling a moment ago now sits staring at his food, his mind elsewhere.  
“Sirius, love, you need to eat something”  
He doesn’t respond, but leans heavily against Remus’s shoulder, Remus looks down at him only in time to catch a tear flow down his cheek, Remus feels as if he is being stabbed, Sirius is in so much pain, and there is no way he can help him, he abruptly wipes the tear away from his face thinking that no one saw it, but it was already too late.  
“Hey, James?” Remus says.  
“Can you save us some apples? We both have to go right now, and Sirius would need to eat later?”  
James looks perplexed for a second but agrees nonetheless.  
“Love, let’s get out of here” Remus whispers in his ear, and Sirius only nods.  
Remus gets up and gently pulls Sirius out after him.  
They move through the bustling corridors to the Gryffindor common room.  
The moment they were in and the Portrait slid closed after them, Sirius fell against Remus’s chest, “I thought I would be able to take it, I thought I was strong enough” he whispers into his chest.  
“You don’t always have to be strong, my love, you don’t”  
“What if he never forgives me?” He says, and a shudder goes through his body.  
“He will, everything needs time, Sirius, give him time, he is still so young, God, you’re both so young”  
“I don’t want him to hate me,” Sirius says, biting back tears, “I don’t think I’ll be able to take that, I don’t think I am strong enough to live knowing that Reg hates me”  
“He doesn’t hate you, my love,” Remus says, kissing his forehead “He needs time”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would appreciate some feedback!


	3. Waging Wars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regulus finally decides to talk to Sirius, to reply to his questions, his gestures, but is he still the Reg, Sirius knew? Can things ever be the same?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I am sorry for the delay, I am just going thru some shit rn, I may or may not have projected some of my own feelings into Sirius? Please bear with me, and thank you for reading!

Sirius wakes up to the smell of Remus surrounding him, it takes him a moment to accustom himself to his surroundings, they are not at the Potter’s anymore, but neither are the two boys in their dorm room as they should be, instead, to Sirius’ surprise, they are entangled almost uncomfortably on the Gryffindor common room couch, with Sirius on Remus’s chest, Sirius can feel him breathing evenly under him, he lays his head back on his chest feeling his heartbeat against his cheek.

How in the world, Sirius thinks to himself, is he mine?

“Hey, love?” Sirius wipers softly.

“Hm?” Remus responds immediately, without opening his eyes, “Let’s move to the dorm room, or your entire body will be sore in the morning”

“You’re not that heavy, Sirius” 

“I have a very manly weight!” Sirius mutters indignantly.

Remus laughs and holds him tighter against himself.

“I don’t have the energy to move,” Remus says, with his lips against Sirius’s hair.

“Well, you should have said that earlier,” Sirius says, as he slides off of Remus's body quickly, and picks the taller boy up with little effort.

“I am not a princess, Pads,” Remus says, nuzzling his nose in Sirius’s neck.

“Tell me you don’t like it then, huh, Re?” Remus can hear his crooked smile, as he closes his eyes, and falls back asleep.

  
  
  


Sun pours in through the curtains of their dorm and Remus can’t help the urge to fall back asleep, he had woken up some time ago, with still a couple hours left for his classes. And now, as he sits with his head against the headboard of his bunk bed, and Sirius’s arms around him, he thinks about the night before and smiles to himself, shoving another piece of chocolate in his mouth.

“What are you smiling about?” An unexpected voice shakes him out of his reverie, he looks up to find James looking at his with dazed eyes. “Or, forget I asked, don’t tell me, I think I will throw up”

“What is up with Sirius?” He asks after Remus is done laughing.

“Well, for one thing, he is Sirius, I think Regulus was the only person he still considered family, you know?”

“Yeah, he often got agitated because Regulus was always considered the better one out of the two, but that didn’t stop him from being overprotective of him, you remember how he almost broke someone’s nose because he thought they were bullying Regulus?”

“Yeah, he just still blames himself for what happened to both of them,” Remus says at last, and looks at Sirius’s sleeping form, and pushes a stray hair strand away from his face.

“Hey, Re?”

“Yes, James?”

“Please take care of him, I know you will and I don’t have to tell you that, but if I see him cry one more time, I—” He stops mid-sentence and sighs “Last night, I felt as if I wanted to break Regulus’s ribs, I know it’s not his fault, but I just, I have never seen Sirius be like that before, he has never cared for what most people think of him, but he just, I don’t know, please take care of him”

“I will, James, always,” Remus says.

The first two weeks of school pass in a haze, their professors are pushing them extra hard and the pile of assignments keeps growing bigger and bigger, even Remus who was known for his prompt submissions seemed to be struggling.

“Oi, Pads,” James says from the common room couch to Sirius who is laying on the floor scribbling on a parchment, “Are you done yet?”

“James, I just started writing, like ten minutes ago!”

“But, I am so bored!”

“Do your Charms homework then!”

“That's due for Thursday!” he chants.

“And Tuesday is almost over,!”

“Remus, what have you done to my best friend? he is broken,” James said, inspecting Sirius’s head by smacking it.

“Ow, keep your filthy hands away from my hair you git”

“Bad. Dog” James says and both boys fall into a fit of laughter for no apparent reason, Remus looks at them from over his books, and just simply shakes his head, sometimes he couldn’t believe James and Sirius aced all their classes, but then they were masters at studying everything the night before. The moon was getting closer, and Remus could feel the fatigue creeping up his spine, his anger was slowly overpowering his calm.

“This is too much, how am I supposed to write three essays in a day?” He mutters and shuts his book, the sound echoes in the otherwise empty common room, the impact louder than he expected it to be. He has a sudden urge to apologise for the disturbance he caused but he is too agitated for that now. He puts his face in his hands and sighs, trying to breathe evenly as his limbs start to tense.

“Re?” He hears Sirius whisper in his ear, from between his fingers he watches as Sirius takes his books one by one and closes them shut. “You’re shaking, what’s up?”

He peers through his fingers to look at him.

“I don’t know, I ugh” He hides his face again.

“Come on Moons, look at me” He took his hands away from his face. “What’s up?”

“I don’t know, the moon’s going to be up soon, I can’t focus on anything, I have so many pending assignments,” He said, his eyes not meeting Sirius.

“It's okay, love, you have been sitting here lost in your books for the past 4 hours, you need to loosen up, don’t worry, I am sure you’ll be able to top the class,”

“I can’t, these assignments are not going to do themselves, I need t—” he said, reaching out for his books, but Sirius was faster.

“Re, it’s okay, look at your eyes you look like a 58-year-old man, but like, a really hot 58-year-old man”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh “You are so gross”

“But you love me,” Sirius says, and winks are Remus.

“Do I?” Remus says cocking his eyebrows.

“You are absolutely in love with me, what else is there to do?” Sirius “Let’s go, I think we’re both done for the day”

Remus feels agitated, angry with himself, with the senseless assignments that he is supposed to be doing, “Pads, just leave me alone for tonight will you?” It comes out meaner than he expected, he meant it as a request, not like this- He hadn’t meant for this to come out like this. But Sirius only smiles at him, kisses him gently on the lips, “I am sorry, love, I didn’t mean to bother you” and walks away.

  
  


Remus was busy with his studies and after hours of Sirius very effectively being the source of his distraction, Remus had sternly asked him to leave or he would not let him touch Remus for a week, and Sirius had finally left, Sirius would have been with James but James is busy with Quidditch practice, it is when he is finally alone and the silence consumes him that his mind takes over him, driving him mad, and he can never stop the voices growing in the back of his mind, the ones overpowering him, he realizes now with a jolt how much he emotionally depends on his friends, they carry a burden that is much bigger than just his madness, he can’t drive this feeling away from his brain, how he has thrown his worries over Remus’s shoulders or how he leans on James when he feels as if he plunging down into the depths of the earth. 

He is now grateful for the silence, as he walks through the bustling halls of the school when people around him are huddled together, the cacophony of emotions surrounding him is overwhelming at best, he had not felt this unsure of himself, he had no idea what it was that was driving him mad, it felt as if he had everything, but still there was a gaping hole in the centre of his chest that stood precariously, unhinged. 

Suddenly he is filled with an unequalled urge to see Regulus, maybe he could finally explain to him what had gone wrong, make amends, do something, he transfers the collective energy of his whirring brain into looking for Regulus, he walks and half runs along the corridors of the school and there is no clue of where he might be, he has almost given up when while walking back to his dorm he hears the silent laugh of his brother, mixed with something else, an inflexion to the way he laughs that sends shudders down Sirius’s spine because of how much it reminds Sirius of his father before he was about to punish Sirius.

He follows the sound to find Regulus snogging a Hufflepuff who is against the wall, she seems mesmerized with him, looking up at him expectantly but Regulus eyes betrayed no emotion, he looked bored and empty, as he pushed her against the wall with a grunt.

“Ahem” Sirius cleared his throat, and Regulus froze, he turned to look at him and for a moment Sirius thought that Regulus knew what he was thinking, that Regulus was just caught doing was not something Sirius expected out of him.

But his face soon retained its previous cold demeanour, and Sirius felt hopeless once again.

“Sirius, you need to stop following me around the school, honestly,” He says finally after the girl flushed so deeply red, leaves the two of them alone in the deserted corridor.

“Regulus, I need to talk to you”

“There is nothing to talk about, you are no longer someone I associate with, Mum says you are dead”

“And you think she is right?”  
For the longest time he doesn’t say anything, he flinches as Sirius words, but then he goes stiff all over. “Yes, I think she is right, you deserve it”

“I do, Regulus, I do deserve better, and so do you,”

“I cannot believe you are trying to justify what you did, like a coward, Sirius, own it, you left me alone, you left the parents who had given you—”

“All I have ever gotten from them is pain and memories I’d rather not recall, Reg, I know, I know what I did was unforgivable, but I was in so much _pain"_ Sirius chokes on the last word, it was as if talking to him was driving knives down his throat.

"Sirius so was I!" Regulus yells back at him, punching the nearby wall his defences gone, his eyes shone with tears his face taut and vulnerable "So was I" he repeats, almost like a whisper.

"Reg-"

"Do you know how scared I was? I woke up one morning and you had disappeared, I thought, I thought they had-they had _killed you,_ Merlin, I was such a fool, I fought them demanding to know what they had done, I was so scared but then they started to-" Regulus covers his eyes with his hand, but when his hand come away his face is again cold and unfeeling.

"Reg, let me help you, let me save you," Sirius begs

“I do not need to be saved, you must be out of your mind to think that I need you to save me from anything”

“But I do, let me take care of you Regulus”

“You do not need to do anything for me, you can barely take care of yourself, you are a coward, do you think your friends stay with you because they ‘love’ you?” Regulus laughs “They pity you, they pity and that’s why they have no choice but to stick with you, I cannot believe this fact couldn’t get past your clever brain, Sirius, go ask Lupin if you want, let him break your fragile heart Sirius, you are a coward, and if you can’t stay loyal to your blood? I don’t expect you to stay loyal to your so-called friends either”

And with that, he leaves, he leaves and Sirius is numb all over, nothing seems to be making sense, everything Regulus said is a vile truth that was lurking in the depths of Sirius’s soul. He slid down onto the floor, with his back against the wall and put his head in his hands.

It hit him like a wave, how truly alone he was, he had everything, he had the love that filled his heart to the brim, but sitting in the brightly lit hallway, as the wind whirred past him through the gigantic windows, it hit him how terribly lonely he was in this war against himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh? I am so glad you are still here, thank you soooo much for reading, kudos are gold and your comments give me the will to live and love, so please feel free to shower me with your feedback!  
> ily guys :)


	4. I wish I could tell you, love, you're the only one for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a lot of pain, please bear with me I don't want to do this, but it has to be done, I am sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I see you're back, thanks for reading, this is a really short chapter against, I am just getting the hang of this, I am sorry I took weeks to write just this much, I am sorry if you were waiting for me, I am glad you are back. I am sorry.

“Prongs?” Remus looks up from his books as James enters the common room, looking sweaty and his hair standing up at weird angles, “How was practice?” He asks. James cocks his eyebrows at him and throws him an incredulous look.

“Since when do you care about Quidditch?”

“Hey! I have always cared about Quidditch!” Remus states indignantly 

“Yeah, whatever,” James says and flops down on the couch, wiping sweat off his forehead “Where is Pads?”

“Wasn’t he with you?” Remus asks.

“Nope, not seen him since I left for practice,” He says “Anyways, I am going to bed, are you done with your assignments?” 

“Yeah, I was just wrapping up,” Remus says, peering through his papers.

“Okay, well good job Moony” he says walking away,

“Hey, James?” 

“Is it Evans?”

“Ugh, is it that obvious?”

“Er, well, you seem, a little off?”

“She came to practice today, and I thought she was there to see  _ me  _ but then, the moment I walked up to her, she walked away, like without even looking at me, I don’t understand, girls are so confusing, you know?”

“I can understand, Prongs, she’ll come around”

“I hope you’re right!” He says before he walks away.

Remus leaned back against the couch, he had sore shoulders and back, and the proximity of the moon made it all worse, he couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said to Sirius earlier, he wonders if Sirius understood that he hadn’t meant to push him away, he just needed to be alone for sometime. He decides to wait for Sirius to show up, and picks up a random book to read as he waits, Remus lets himself wander in the realms of the book, but he cannot focus on anything, his eyes keep darting to the common door every time someone enter, the common room clears soon as it gets dark outside and Remus’s eyes are heavy with fatigue when he finally arrives.

“Pads wher-” He looks up to him, and his nose dripping on blood, “What happened?”

He immediately rushes to him and holds his face in his hand “You are so beautiful, Moony” He says, smiling sheepishly up at him.

“Sirius, for Merlin’s sake, are you drunk?”

“Maybe a little?” he says and giggles.

“I cannot freaking believe it, I cannot, ugh” Remus pulls him gently and sits him down on the couch, he rushes to the dorm and pulls out some cotton and sap that Pomfrey had given him earlier.

“What happened to your face, love” he says to Sirius as he winces when Remus cleans the blood off of his face.

“Have I ever told you I love it when you call me love?” He says instead of answering his question. “It does something to me, right here” he takes Remus’s hand and puts it over his heart.

Remus cannot help but smile, he feels the blood rush to his face.

“Sentimental git” Remus mutters under his breath.

“But you don’t mean it,” Sirius says, and pushes Remus’s hands away from his face.

“Wha-” Before Remus can say anything Sirius stands up, and runs to his dorm room, and by Remus catches up with him, he has already climbed into his own bunk bed, the covers pulled up to his face, already asleep.

Remus finds himself looking down at Sirius’s sleeping form, his own head balanced on his hand as he lay beside him, early in the morning two days after that night in the common room, whenever he asked Sirius about what he had said that day, Sirius always brushed him off, telling him that he was drunk and did not mean it, and Remus would have believed him, if it were not for the fact the Sirius was growing subdued each passing day, his nightmares were back, Remus had heard him screaming in the night and had gotten into his bed, Sirius had immediately curled up around him, but Remus couldn’t sleep, he had kept staring at the boy next to him, as his eyes moved around his lids, his nightmares haunting his smile.

“Hey” he leans down and whispers in Sirius’s ear. “Good Morning, love”

Sirius mutters something unintelligible, and Remus chuckles, his eyes squint open and he smiles back at Remus.

“I am glad you’re here,” Sirius says.

“What do you mean? I have always been here” Remus responds, brushing strands of hair away from Sirius’s face.

“Can you stay? let’s stay in bed today, I don’t feel like doing anything at all”

“Do you not want to go out with James and Peter?” Remus asks.

“I don’t, I really really don’t feel like it”

“Sure, I guess then we can both stay in bed this weekend,” Remus says falling back into his pillows, Sirius nuzzles into his chest, “You know, I never thought I could ever have this, waking up next to you every morning, I sometimes feel like you’re going to leave because I am such a mess, Re, I am dread the day when you finally realize that,” Sirius says and chuckles into Remus’s chest.

“Pads, where is this coming from?” Remus asks, pulling him close “I am not going to leave you, love,I can’t, I guess I am just as big of a mess as you are,”

“I wish sometimes there was just these mornings and nothing else you know? If I could just erase everything else, not think, just not think about anything, not let any words hold my brain in shackles, I just—”

“Pads?” Remus repeats, “What happened, tell me, let me help you love”

“Can I tell you something?” Sirius asks, looking dead into Remus’s eyes.

“You can’t fix me, Remus, please don’t try, I can’t be fixed”

“But love, you aren’t broken,” Remus says without missing a beat, “A little crazy? God, yes but you’re not broken and I don’t want to fix you, I am in love with you Sirius, and I can see you hurting, you’re hurting and you won’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t see you like this, tell me what happened,”

But Sirius was already asleep, against his chest breathing evenly, leaving Remus once again with unfulfilled questions with no answers, he wondered if he even knew who Sirius was anymore.

  
  


_ I wish I could tell him, _

_ Of the thunders that haunt me at night _

_ Of how his warmth keeps me from losing myself in the cold sea, _

_ I wish I could tell him, of how I can barely breathe anymore, _

_ I can see him, and he can see me, I wish what I am didn’t cause him pain, _

_ I wish I wish I could be his warm morning and not a starless night, _

_ He deserves to swim in sunshine and laugh as the rainbow reflects its colours in his eyes, _

_ He doesn’t deserve a sea crawling with creatures of my past. _

_ I wish I could tell him, how I can barely breathe anymore, _

_ I wish I could tell him about drowning, but he’d jump after me, _

_ and he doesn’t deserve the sea. _

  
  


“Remus?” Sirius echoes, in the darkness of the common room

“Sirius, tell me why, please, what did I do wrong?”

“Remus, lo-” He begins and chokes on his words “It’s me, I can’t do this anymore, I just, I feel like I can’t breathe”

“But-” He begins, tears gushing out of his eyes, each tear a sword through Sirius’s heart, this is what I do, I ruin everyone I love, loving me should be a sin, I’ve caused him so much pain, so much pain “Sirius, tell me what happened, you don’t tell me anything anymore,”

“Remus, I love you, I love you but you deserve so much better than me,”

“You don’t get to make that decision for me, you asshole,” Remus says, choking on tears, “You don’t get to do this to me,”

“I know, I know, I am not the one for you,”

And that’s when he walks away, instead of going to his dorm, he walks out of the common room, into the woods and thinks about the hurricane that he has caused, how every word his mother ever said to him was right, he didn’t deserve his friends, or Remus, or anyone, he wasn’t sure if he even deserved this life that he was so carelessly handed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see you're still here, tell me what you think!  
> Your comments are the only things driving me to live tbh, everything else is in shambles.  
> Life is FUN!!


	5. Things you don't know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius have broken up, both of them are devastated, Sirius is pretending to be unbothered by everything because he doesn't want to worry his friends, in fact, it seems he wants them to hate him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're back, WELCOME BACK, I hope you like this, if you don't please don't get mad, and tell me what went wrong...

“Moony?” James’s voice echoes in the empty common room, “Mate, I think you should go to bed now, you really don’t look well”

“I need to do this essay by today, Prongs, I can’t...it’s just the moon that’s making me look weary, I am fine, really”

“The moon and the fact that you have barely slept all week, you can’t do this to yourself, Remus, come on, let’s go”

“I can’t, I really—”

“What the hell Remus?” Another voice startles them both, “You’re still here, I asked you an hour ago to go to bed!” Both the boys turned to find Lily standing draped heavily in her blankets and carrying books in her arms. 

“Evans?” James’s mouth was hanging open in awe.

“Come on, we can go over the essay tomorrow morning, right now if you both don’t go to your dorms I am going to put both of your in detention for all the pranks that you’ve gotten away with this term”

“I am a prefect” Remus says indignantly 

“Oh, well so am I,” she says cocking her eyebrows.

“Bu—”

“Off to bed both you”

Remus didn’t know what was wrong with him, but he couldn’t find the energy to talk lest argue with her, besides, she did look terrifying in the common room fire. He gathered his books and packed his parchment before standing up, he felt unsure of his own footing as if any moment the ground would shift from under him and leave him gaping after the remains of his own broken self.

James took some of his books and they both walked to the door of their dorm room, just before they entered the room, Lily enveloped him in a bone-crushing hug.

“Hey Remus?” she says “I know it’s hard, but you’re gonna get through it, it feels like the end of the world but it really isn't, right James?” 

James is too baffled to speak for a moment, but he regains his composure and smiles warmly at both of them, “Yeah, Evans is right, we’ll get through it together yeah?”

Remus doesn’t really believe either of them, but he has to, so he nods, and smiles at what has become of him.

  
  


“Sirius, wait up” James calls out after him in the corridor, he had seen less and less of him in the past few days, James tried not to interfere with whatever was going on between Remus and Sirius, he tried to keep the anger out of his voice when he talked to Sirius even though Remus was devastated, he needed to know what was up with Sirius, he barely slept, barely attended any classes anymore and was almost always on his own, avoided any conversations, James was beyond worried, both his friends were falling apart both on the outside and from within, even people as dense as Severus had noticed how Sirius had grown quieter, and on top of that, it was full moon today, and without Sirius on his side, James was not sure how the night shall pass.

“Earth to, James” Sirius nudged him, I am getting late for breakfast “Did you want something?”

“Er, no, I just wanted to-” since when did he feel out of words when with Sirius? “See if you were alright?”

“I am,” Sirius declared and offered nothing else.

“Um…good to know?” James was growing increasingly anxious at the tone with which Sirius spoke to him, the cold sheath that had covered his face, he didn’t seem like Sirius at all “Er, I wanted to talk to you about tonight…”

“What about it?”

“Um, do you not remember?”

“I am not a walking calendar, am I Jamesie?”

“But, well, you know what, forget it, I’ll take care of it myself, but whatever is going on with you Siri, I hope you figure it out, I can’t believe you,”

And with that James turned on his heels and walked past Sirius, his veins throbbing, what was wrong with him he felt as if he wanted to find a lone corner and cry like a baby, he’d never felt this abandoned. But of course, he didn’t because he knew that whoever he had just talked to wasn’t Sirius, he couldn’t be, and there was something that he didn’t know, but he was adamant that he will get to the root of whatever was up with him, even if Sirius didn’t say it, he needed him right now, the circles under his eyes, and his sagging shoulders were loud enough, James was going to find out who had hurt his Sirius.

  
  


Remus was growing increasingly aware of his surroundings, the smells, the noises and above all the uneasiness under his skin, the voices on the outside were so loud he could barely pay attention to any of his classes, he put his head down and covered his ears but to no avail, when it wouldn’t stop, his mind started to spin and he got extremely aware of the humans around him every little thing around him, the wolf was already taking over, he picked up his bag and rushed out, with the McGonagall calling after him, but he had a feeling she knew, she knew that he couldn’t help him, he ran all the way to the Gryffindor Common room, bile rising in his throat, it was finally when he reached the common room and the portrait slid closed after him that he allowed himself to breath, but he had expected the room to be empty, he hadn’t expected to be greeted by any voices when he slid down against the wall, his blood raging in his veins.

“Moons?” Sirius said, his voice unsure. “Re, are you okay?”

Remus jerked his head in his direction, from the ground Sirius was standing over him not many paces away, he could touch him if he wanted to, and he wanted to, he wanted Sirius to wrap his hands around him, to calm his heart down, to tell him that this day will pass, but he didn’t touch him, Sirius was not his anymore, maybe he had never been. Remus didn’t trust himself enough to speak, so he just stood up, his feet wavering and walked into the dorm room without another look at Sirius.

James was quick to join him, as he put a spare pair of pants and shirt in a bag.

“Heyo Re,?” James announced his presence “Are you leaving already?”

“I- Yeah, I don’t feel good,”

“It’s okay, we’ll be close behind”

“I’ll go with you, right now” Another voice declared, and this time Remus’s anger flared, and he couldn’t help but stare dead into Sirius’s grey eyes.

“I don’t need you to come with me,”

“Come on, Re, it’s, I’ve always been the one to go with you to the forest,”

“Well, there is a first time for everything,” Remus said, pulling the zip on the bag shut, “I’ll go alone”

“You don’t have to—”

“You don't’ get to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do, Sirius Black, I am telling you to please, for Merlin’s sake stay away from me, I can control my anger and my confusion as a human, but as a wolf, as the monster that I am, I don’t think I’ll be able to, and I, for one, don’t want you to get hurt, so please, I am begging you to stay away from me”

And without anything else, Remus took a deep breath and walked out of the common room.

  
  


It had taken everything Sirius had, to not follow Remus out, a part of him had still urged him to run after him, to stop him to yell on top of his lungs that he loved him, more than anything or anyone in the world, to kiss him to death, hold him close and just never let him go, but the other, saner part of him knew that Remus was better on his own, Sirius was a burden that Remus did not need, this part of him convinced him to stay put, to not look at James standing behind him, Sirius knew James's eyes were boring into him, but he had nothing to say to him, no answers, he had simply nothing inside of him anymore.

“Feel free to walk out, please,” Sirius bowed.

“Don’t be an arsehole Sirius, what the hell is wrong with you?” 

“There is nothing wrong with me James, contrary to popular belief I am actually quite alright”

“Oh trust me, you are anything but, alright Sirius, and I will not settle until I figure out what it is that is wrong with that beautiful big head of yours”

“Good luck on your quest then, there are places I have to be, people I have to meet, so I’ll catch you later?”

“Oh, sure you will,”

Sirius did not know what the hell was up with him, but if he could get James to hate him, he will never have to carry the burden of Sirius again, he will be so much happier, this thought kept him going. He walked out of the common room, but of course, he did not have anywhere to be, but one place, even in his current pursuit, he would never leave Remus alone on a moon night, he had to be there, even if Remus didn’t know, he had to be near him, there was no other way.

So as soon as he was out of the Hogwarts grounds, keeping an eye out for other students that may be wandering around the forest, he turned into Padfoot and made his way towards the Shrieking Shack, as the sun slowly went down, and shadows of the trees turned to take over the brightly lit ground.

The moon hung brightly against the dark sky, there were no stars, just clouds breaking the flawless moon down, the forest echoed around him, but there was something that was louder than anything in the forest, it was the werewolf, crying out in pain, Sirius had been with Remus ever since he had learned how to turn into Padfoot, but never had the cries been this desperate, for a moment he thought that he should stay here, well hidden from Prongs and Wormtail as they waited earnestly outside the shack for the night to pass, but he couldn’t stop himself and moved against the dark forest almost like a shadow into the Shrieking Shack.  
There he was, as big as ever, staring out the window, if he hadn’t known him for ages Sirius would be scared, but not when he knew that Moony would never harm him, the wolf jerked his head towards Padfoot, but Padfoot didn’t flinch, it wasn’t in his nature. He moved towards the werewolf and stood near him, feeling the heat radiate off of its body as the wolf howled into the night, Padfoot settled beside him, his head resting on his paws, and looked at the wolf, he wished the night would pass like this, he so wished but it never did, there were moments when the werewolf completely took over Moony, no trace of the boy left, in those moments Padfoot did his best to stop Moony from hurting himself, but he was only strong enough. In those moments he wished the night would pass because no matter how hard it got, it always did, it did leave scars, it did leave scars, but the dark night always passed.

Padfoot stirred in his sleep as sunshine poured in through the windows, Remus lay unconscious beside him, so peaceful, there were slashes across his chest, but nothing too bad this time, Padfoot had made sure of that, he turned into Sirius then and allowed himself to look at Remus, at the beautiful boy that he was, his bare chest, and slender fingers, he pulled the spare clothes out of his bag and dressed him as gently as possible, so that he wouldn’t wake him.  
He then picked Remus in his arms and carried him, James and Peter were asleep outside, as soon as Sirius walked out, James’s eyes flew open, but he didn’t say anything, He let Sirius carry Remus all the way to the school and then to the Hospital wing, Sirius lay Remus down gently on the creaky bed, James stood by as Sirius ran to call Madam Pomfrey, James stood and watched as Sirius refused to leave despite Madam Pomfrey telling him to attend his classes.  
James just stood by and watched him, as if analysing his every move, and Sirius was glad that despite himself James had learned to keep his mouth shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohh so you're still here, good to see, thank you so much for reading, if you liked it,kudos are gold and I would really appreciate some feedback!


	6. I wish I could tell you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well you’re still beautiful”  
> “I am scarred, that's what I am,” Remus said, motioning to his face and the scar along the side of his neck.  
> “Oh, they make you look so much better Moony trust me, I am sure, these scars have half the school swooning over you,”  
> That made him laugh, “I swear to god Moony, I am not even kidding” Sirius couldn’t help but smile himself because he had missed this, he had missed the sound of Remus’s laugh, even if he heard it while he was drugged.  
> “What about you?” He mumbled.  
> “What about me?”  
> “Do you love these scars?”  
> “Of course I do, they are a part of you I love every single atom of your being, Remus Lupin”  
> “I love you too, Pads, so much I feel as I am going to explode, you are such a prick for making us go through this,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good to have you back, just one more chapter to go, I swear they'll be happy in the end!

After Madam Pomfrey had left, James doesn’t stay for much longer, but Sirius couldn’t bear to walk out of the hospital wing, he sat down beside Remus, who was now breathing evenly and took his hand in his own, his knuckles were wounded, red from hitting stones and walls in the night, Sirius bought them to his lips and kissed the wounds gently.

He looked so peaceful, as the afternoon light poured in from the windows, and danced on his face, and reflected in his orange hair, how could Remus have ever loved someone like me? A voice in his head echoed, he deserves the world, not someone like me.

He ran his hand gently on the side of his face, his heart racing, brushed a stray hair away from his eyes, Remus stirred then, and Sirius jerked his hand back he would have left, he did not want Remus to wake up and ask him what he was doing, because he had no answers, it was one of those times when his desires got the better of him.

He would have left but just as he stood up, Remus grabbed his hand feebly.

“Please, Pads” He mumbled, his eyes still closed “Don’t go”

Despite the fire raging in his skull, he did stay, because, well, Moony.

“I am not going anywhere, love, I am right here,” he said instead and pulled the covers up to Remus’s chin. “How’re you feeling?”

“Loopy” he mumbled and giggled to himself, the medicine that Madam Pomfrey gave him made him like this sometimes.

“Well you’re still beautiful”

“I am scarred, that's what I am,” Remus said, motioning to his face and the scar along the side of his neck.

“Oh, they make you look so much better Moony trust me, I am sure, these scars have half the school swooning over you,”

That made him laugh, “I swear to god Moony, I am not even kidding” Sirius couldn’t help but smile himself because he had missed this, he had missed the sound of Remus’s laugh, even if he heard it while he was drugged.

“What about you?” He mumbled.

“What about me?”

“Do you love these scars?”

“Of course I do, they are a part of you I love every single atom of your being, Remus Lupin”

“I love you too, Pads, so much I feel as I am going to explode, you are such a prick for making us go through this,”

“I don’t deserve you Moons, I don’t, I—” Sirius was glad then, to be interrupted by Madam Pomfrey, as she ushered into the room carrying several ointments for Remus, and Sirius used the distraction to pull his hand out of Remus’s, God, he promised himself he won't cry, he was losing his mind.

He rushed out of the hospital wing, but of course, James was there. Of course, he was there standing there with his back against the wall, looking as smug as ever in the evening light.

“Where are you going, Pads?” He asked, pushing his glasses back.

“I-uh, It’s—”

“None of my business? Is that what you were going to say?”

When he doesn’t say anything, James laughs humorlessly.

“Becoming more predictable day by day, aren’t you Pads?”

“I have to go, James, please” he said, trying his best not to cry, but his voice was already shaking.

“I am not going to let you go anywhere until I have answers,Pads, tell me what the hell is going on with you?”

“There is nothing going on with me, James, for Merlin’s sake, Quit trying to fix me!” Sirius yelled on top of his lungs.

“I am not trying to fix you, Sirius, you are the most unfixable piece of shit I have ever met, and it doesn’t bother me because I love you!” James yelled back “You, on the other hand, need to quit trying to fix yourself, do you think I don’t know what you’re trying to do?” He yelled

“You have no idea,James”

“Oh, then tell me, are you not distancing yourself from everyone because you’re letting your inner demons take over you? And by doing that you think you are doing us a great service?”

Sirius stayed quiet, he didn’t know what to say.

“Merlin, Sirius, you are such an idiot!” James exclaimed exasperated, “Do you have any idea, how hard these past two weeks have been for all of us? I couldn’t understand why the hell my best friends in the world didn’t want to look me in the face!”

“Do you think it is easy for me? To just, leave everyone I love behind?”

“Is it not? Sirius, you’ve already made new friends, you barely come back to the dorm anymore, where do you sleep,?”

I don’t. But Sirius doesn’t say it.

“Honestly, James, for the last time, you are not my mother!”

“Oh, you’re right I am not your mother. But do you know what you are, Sirius? an utter prick!” James yelled one last time, and there he was alone, and this time like all other times it was his own doing.

James studded into the Great Hall for dinner, as if my magic the entire hall turned to look at him, he was angry, and his veins were throbbing, he wanted to break something, and he was growing increasingly aware of the growing pain in the back of his head.

He looked around for Peter but he was nowhere to be seen, he would be eating alone tonight he thought to himself, what a great day.

Just then, as he made his way to his usual spot, someone approached him.

“I, hi?” Lily said, “James, are you, um okay?”

“I guess so?” James answered, fidgeting with his glasses, “Why are you asking?”

“We all just heard you and Sirius fight,  _ really  _ loudly in the corridor, and that’s really unusual, so, um..”

“We weren’t fighting,” James said indignantly, clearing his throat, and Lily laughed a little.

“Sure, whatever you say,” she said but then genuinely added “I am sure you will both be alright,”

“I, yeah thanks” James’s brain was empty all of a sudden because Lily touched his arm reassuringly, and he was on the seventh cloud.

“Do you mind if I sit with you today?”

Was he dreaming? Or did Lily Evans just ask to sit with him during dinner?

“No, not at all” he managed, losing his mind, today was a crazy day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? If you did,I'd really appreciate some Kudos, and some feedback!


	7. I love you more than life itself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EVERYTHING FALLS BACK IN PLACE<3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I am so damn sorry if you were waiting for the last chapter, I literally took months!  
> I was really busy, IB does suck all the life out of a soul.  
> Here it is finally the last chapter!

James was on his second chocolate bar, a delicacy he had stolen from Moony’s stack (he promised to get him more later, he needed chocolate right now) when Peter rushed into the dorm, and James jumped, the chocolate bar nearly fell out of his hands.

“James I’ve got to te—” he started

“Wait, does Moony know you’re, um, stealing his chocolate?”

“Ugh Peter, I’ll get him more when he comes back”

“Okay, anyway, I have got something to tell you” he said hurriedly, 

James turned his attention to Peter then and noticed a bruise on the side of his face, “Merlin, Peter, what happened to your face?”

“That’s what this is about, listen to me”

“Okay, I am listening go on”

“When you and Sirius were, um, in the middle of your spectacle, Malfoy and his sidekicks, pulled me aside, that’s why I couldn’t come to you, they punched me in the face, and they were enjoying your fight”

“Every body enjoys a fight, Peter, and I always put up quite a show”

“No, you’re not listening, they were enjoying themselves as if  _ they  _ set this up, they said something about finding Sirius alone some night, and beating the shit out of him, you remember on morning when we woke up to find Sirius with blood all over his face? I think- I am sure it was them, but it also has something to do with Sirius’s brother, he’s, he’s done something to Sirius,”

“I-yes,” James’s mind was racing, the chocolate now lay abandoned on the bed, and was now probably going to leave a mark, but James couldn’t care less, he was finally getting all the answers that he needed, “What do think Regulus could possibly have done,”

“I don’t- I don’t know, James, but I haven’t seen him in a long time”

James realized that he hadn’t seen him in a long time also, it made sense, it all changed that night Sirius had come into the dorm late, long after James had fallen asleep, everything had been different, he needed to find out what exactly had happened that night.

“Did you hear anything else?”

“Um, they punched me on the side of my face, so um, I kind of went numb all over, so I couldn’t hear much apart from the ringing in my ears”

“Peter, I am so sorry I wasn’t there to beat the shit out of them for doing that to you, I am going to make sure they pay for the whatever they are up to”

“It’s alright, James, I think Sirius broke his nose”

“Oh of course he did, but I am going to break much more than his nose”

“I need to find them Peter” James said through gritted teeth, they had woken up early in the morning to find Moony sleeping in the dorm, he must have come back somewhere in the night, 

“They might have left for Hogsmeade” 

“I can’t find my map, I have no idea where it is, or I might already have ambushed them, ugh, I can’t believe I misplaced the map and the cloak at the same time”

“Oh” Peter sounded when he finally understood what might have happened, but he didn’t say anything because it was exactly the kind of thing James would do.

“Oh, is that Goyle? Talking to Martha over there”

“I guess he is?” Peter said and looked closely, it was indeed Goyle but he was not accompanied by his other friends “He was the one who punched me”

“Alright, then let’s deal with this ball of junk”

James walked towards Goyle, his head held high and his nostrils flaring, and got him by his collars and pushed him against the wall.

“Hey, what the hell, Potter?” Goyle yelled, but his voice was shaking “Get away from me”

“Did you punch my best friend?” He said, holding up a fist to his face.

“It wasn’t my plan, that was Lucious, please, I would never have done it if it weren't’ for him”

James fist met Goyle’s jaw in a firm motion, “Well that’s how I repay the favor, now apologize to Peter”

“I-I am- I am sor-sorry, Pe-peter”

“Now that we have gotten that out of the way, spill, what did you guys do to Sirius?” He said, holding a fist to Goyle’s face, which had gotten so pale it almost looked like a paper ball.

“No-nothing”

“You know I won’t hesitate to hit you a second time, Goyle, what did you do to Sirius?”

“Okay, Okay, Regulus and Sirius had a fight, and Regulus had called him some name, I swear I don't remember,it was something about you guys not being his friends, we had found him in the empty corridor, cry-crying, and Lucious had gotten into a fight with him, he called him a Blood Traitor, he said Walburga had told his parents about how much they hated Sirius, how he was nothing like what Black should be, Walburga really did say those things, I was there, it was a party, we were all listening in, she’d said that he was a coward, she wished he were never born, Lucious might have said something about Sirius being a burden on the world and on you guys, that’s that’s all I know, Sirius broke Luciou’s nose, and he couldn’t show his face to anyone for two days, but Sirius was a mess”

“James, let’s go” Peter said from behind, tugging at his robes, “I hear teachers coming”

James’s knuckles had turned white, and he released a low gutteral sound before letting Goyle go, Goyle fell to his feet and scrambled away from the two of them.

“I really need to see Regulus, but I also need to break Lucious’s nose again, but there is something else I want to do right now”

Peter could barely keep up with James as he strode across the hallway back to their dorm room James muttered something under his breath that sounded like “Might as well adopt that kid by now” 

  
  


James came in and he pushed the door open and Remus almost jumped, he was followed by a sheepish looking Peter.

“James are you okay?

“Moony, I need to tell you something, so keep that damn book down and listen to me” he said breathlessly.

“Okay..?” Remus said putting the book down, but keeping a finger inside of it just in case if what James had to say was something really childish.

“I figured out what is up with Padfoot” James said and settled on Remus’s bed. “I mean not entirely, but I have a pretty good idea,”

Remus pushed the covers aside and diverter all his attention to James now “Go on”

“First of all, he is an idiot”

“I second that”

“But there’s more to it,....”

James narrated everything he had seen and noticed over the past some weeks, and then the fight with Sirius outside the hospital wing, then Peter’s story and then at last what they had just found out from Goyle.

“What an idiot, how can he- ugh, i need to talk to Regulus,” Remus said, his mind racing in so many different directions he mindlessly picked up his wand and said “Accio map”

“See, that’s why he’s he and I am me, I couldn’t think of using a freaking summoning spell” James said throwing his hands up in the air, but Remus could only manage to smile as he rushed out of the room.

Remus found Regulus in the library, scrolling mindlessly through a book, he was once again caught off guard at just how much he looked like Sirius, but with shorter hair, Remus walked up to him and slammed his hands on the table, Regulus looked up, surprised.

“What do you want?”

“I want you to stand up right now, because you and I have very important business to tend to”

“I-”

“Regulus, I mean no harm, I just want to understand what is going on with Sirius, you can let me have at least that much”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”

“I believe you do” Regulus avoids meeting Remus’s eyes, he starts to fidget with the papers in his hand, and he abruptly stands up and starts to leave.

“Regulus, I just want to know what you said to him,”

“Remus, I am sorry, I am really sorry for what I said that day, I can’t believe I did that, I was so hurt and angry, and I didn’t think it would get to him, I didn’t see, Merlin, I am so sorry, Remus, please,”

There are tears in Regulus’s eyes when he tells him what happened, what he’d said, how he hadn’t stopped Malfoy because he felt Sirius deserved it, “I now know how naive I was, Remus”

Remus leaves the library shaking with anger, but most of his anger was now directed at Sirius, how could he think that he ever wasn’t the one Remus wanted, he had made it clear from the very beginning, Sirius was all he’d wanted.

He found Sirius in the dining hall, sitting alone and toying with his food, he looks thinner and weary, and there are circles under his eyes. Remus walked up to him, and took hold of his hand.

“We need to talk”

“Wha-”

“Shut your face, Sirius”

“Bu-” 

“I said shut your face,” Remus said as he led Sirius behind him, holding Sirius’s hand in his own, even when he was angry, he couldn’t put to words just how much he’d missed this, he was glad Sirius wasn’t fighting him. He walked them both into a fairly empty area under the staircases, they’d both met there quite a number of times before.

He pushed Sirius against the wall, his hands on either side of him.

“You are such an idiot, such an idiot Sirius I can’t tell you how freaking hurt I am right now, how could you ever let yourself believe that I didn’t want you?”

“I-”

“Shut up and listen to me, I love you Sirius Black, and I have eyes only for you, no matter what anybody else says, you are not a burden, you are...ugh I don’t know how to explain it, you are my sunshine in a dark cold night, and without you I will be empty, so empty Sirius, don’t take this away from me, this is the only thing I have, and you think I pity you? Oh my goodness Sirius, I can’t pity you, you remember at the Potter’s when I said I was scared of my father? It was you who gave me courage, because you are so fucking strong, you are so strong and I wanted to be more like you, stride across the world like you own it, I look up to you Sirius, and I love you so so much it scares me, how could you ever think anything else,”

Remus was rambling, he was angry and there were tears in his eyes, there were tears in Sirius’s eyes “I can’t believe you let yourself go through that alone, I don’t know if you still want me, my love, but I love you and I want you to believe that, no that no matter what anyone else says, you are enough, you are more than enough, I-umph”

And Sirius was kissing him, pushing into him, and Remus was on fire because, God, he’s missed this, they are both holding on to each other as if they are drowning, and the weeks that they’ve wasted fall apart, making way for knew memories, Remus pushes Sirius against the wall harder and Sirius groans, and Remus falls apart.

“I love you too, Remus Lupin” Sirius whispers “I love you more than life itself”

Remus kisses him harder, his hands are in Sirius’s hair and Sirius’s hands are entangled on his neck. Sirius suddenly pulls away, “:I am so sorry, I am sorry for making you go through that fiasco, I was such a mess, and I just, I just figured I couldn’t let you take the burden of my shit because you deserve so much better”

“Sirius?”

“Yes love”

“Shut up and kiss me”

“I-yes”

And he did, and as if there was no tomorrow, and if Remus could just stop time and live this moment forever, his heart beating in his chest, attached to Sirius as if he would never let go.

“God, I’ve missed you”

  
  


Later, in the common room Sirius is lying with his head in Remus’s lap, as Remus runs his fingers in his hair, both of their faces sore from smiling, but they can’t stop, because they almost lost each other, but nothing can push them apart it seems, not even their own stupid decisions.

James comes into the common room, his glasses askew and his hair a bigger mess than ever.

“What the hell happened to your face?” Remus asked.

“I had a few things and situations to take care of,” James says and winks “I have  _ never  _ felt more at peace than I do now, oh sweet sweet revenge!”

His eyes land on Sirius, and his face softens, “Pads?” he says, and suddenly he is the young 11 year old James again, the one who would stay up late in the night when Sirius broke his elbow, and would find a way to get to him early in the morning, the kid who wanted to burn the world down with his little hands, when he first heard of the hell Sirius’s parents put him through, it was like he hadn’t aged at all.

“Prongs” Sirius says, quieter still. 

“Remus, tell me he is back for good this time, I am gonna break his nose otherwise”

Remus laughs and nods.

“Come here you little shit” He says and Sirius jumps up into his arms, and suddenly they are both young again.

“I am so sorry for everything, James, I can’t believe I really did all that”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Pads,” James says. “I understand”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Home sweet home!  
> Did you like it?  
> Where did I do wrong? tell me, please, feedback means the world to me!

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me If you liked IT <33


End file.
